“STOP NEEDING THE APPROVAL OF OTHERS.”

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DO YOU SECOND GUESS YOURSELF A LOT?

Do you feel the need to second-guess yourself?  Having a strong sense of self, feeling comfortable in your “own skin” is important to your well-being.   Seeking praise, approval, and acceptance to feel confident about yourself can be draining, if not debilitating. It could be as simple as what to wear, so you consult with Pinterest, to complex decision making.  If this sounds familiar, and you want to improve your self-esteem, keep reading!

For example, there is the wringing of the hands, heart palpitations, or other sensations in the body.  Your thoughts go into “overdrive.” Lack of self-acceptance and self-approval can negatively impact your mental health and overall quality of life.

Oftentimes, these behaviours or ways of being are associated with having poor self-esteem.

Examining or reflecting on behaviours and attitudes provides awareness and identification of the root cause. In other words, a way forward can be developed to living a fulfilled life.

 

 

From the beginning of time, human beings lived and survived by living together in some sense of group, community, clan, or tribe. From this, people are able to feel safe, have a sense of identity and a sense of connectedness.

Subsequently, early connections forming our identity come from the maternal provision of a safe, nurturing, and meaningful responsive environment.   Naturally, we are wired with needs and conditioned to have them met.

That is to say, when our needs are not met, there are “holes in the foundation”, if you will, of our lives– our repository.

 

WHAT CAUSES SOMEONE TO SEEK APPROVAL

 

The “inner me” needs repairing.   Psychological research informs that a child’s belief system is cemented between the ages of six to eight years old. Without repair, one seeks approval and acceptance throughout their life.

Similarly, not having regular or sustaining activities from a constant and enduring figure early on in childhood can result in you having poor self-esteem.   With this lack of unmet emotional needs, persons take in this mindset or view of self that is “damaged” or “not good enough.”    https://nbhi-llc.org/2021/05/why-parents-should-listen-to-their-children/

This was clear for me when a male instructor I had was reviewing with me a few questions I missed. His demeanor was of such that I remembered feeling ashamed and disoriented.

It was so noticeable that he said, “are you o.k.” In my adult years, and I realized I was responding out of my past experience.  A past experience  of when I failed my Common Entrance exam at age 11 in primary school.

In the Caribbean, this is a British standard exam ALL students MUST take in order to go to high school. I remembered feeling fear, sadness, and inadequate when I failed. Worst, yet, I recalled having to be tutored by my uncle.  I would need to pass on my next attempt– the final attempt!  The message, “something must be wrong with me.”

 QUESTION: DO YOU HAVE “HOLES IN THE FOUNDATION?”

Clearly, there was a cultural expectation in place to perform well– the first time like my twin brother had done! This event and moment in time was never processed or properly supported by my relatives for various reasons.

During this time, a critical one, my mother migrated to the United States.  My father was a “phantom” from the beginning. This event and circumstances started a “collision course” which had to be corrected.

Events like this, and others, can cause cracks in our early emotional development. They become the base for the shaping and handling of future experiences and events. Such as the need for validation and “permissive support” when taking on projects or pursuing goals.

Then, there is the need to be perfect at all costs when taking on a project or not following desires, hopes, or quests because failure is viewed as bad and that one is defective.   https://nbhi-llc.org/2021/01/your-past-is-not-healed-in-time-but-with-action-include-these-5-life-transforming-steps-to-reclaiming-your-life/

 

Above all, functioning this way can bring a lifetime of instability and unproductivity. For instance,  many persons find themselves being lonely and isolated resulting in anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues.  https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/building-confidence-and-self-esteem

They tend to show up in one’s interpersonal relationships and intimate relationships. Relating becomes strained, difficult, and in some cases, a lack of healthy boundaries.

 

IN WHAT WAYS CAN SEEKING APPROVAL AFFECT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

Workplace interactions can become impaired when you need need validation or acceptance.  For example, you may  behave in ways that are temperamental, making it impossible for teamwork or allowance of constructive criticism.  As a result, there is  decreased job satisfaction and in extreme cases job loss.

In other cases, persons become “doormats” to their spouses, boss, or children fearing rejection or loss of approval. Why women should support and celebrate other women but they have difficulties in doing so: The other perspective.

WAYS TO OVERCOME SEEKING APPROVAL OF OTHERS

Making changes in our lives takes courage and commitment among other elemental companions. Included is this idea of motivation or desire for change. This has to do with your internal locus of control. This is the power you have to do and control what is within you and not anything external of you. Once this is located, change is underway. Here is how to get started:

  • ACKNOWLEDGEMENT/AWARENESS

Being aware of your need for approval and acceptance is needed to bring ownership and accountability. Your involvement, attitudes and behaviours that continue in your life. Awareness is the key to progress! With this first step, you can move forward to create steps for inner healing and long-lasting change.

  • INVENTORY ABOUT HOW YOU SEE OR VIEW YOURSELF

Having to look at ourselves can be difficult and overwhelming. Here, you come  face to face with the thoughts and feelings about “self” as well as how you compare yourself to others.

This is helpful, as one will be able to pinpoint what is happening inside; so, expression of this can start the healing process. (This is the locus of control at work) Your Past Is Not Healed in time but with action. Include these 5 Life Transforming Steps to Reclaiming Your Life.

“No mud no Lotus”

I think of this inventory to the importance of a pilot who has to pay close attention to certain coordinates in order to make “course corrections.” If the pilot does not do this necessary work, there will be fatalities! So it is in our lives.

  • INVENTORY OF YOUR VALUES

What is important to you matters! Question: do you know what those things are? Could it be that you are reactive to other people’s agenda because, somehow, it gives approval or acceptance?

This is common with the use of social media. Comparing yourself  to others is a mistake.   If your values values are tossed “to and fro” based on the comparison of others on social media  you  cause yourself emotional injury.   Unfortunately, this form of escape and approval mechanism has become a cultural norm today.

WHAT  IS IMPORTANT TO YOU?

This practice is said to cause a decrease in self-esteem, decrease in productivity, and decreased attention span. An emotional roller coaster ensues, and an increased chance of depression is not far away.

Checking in to re-evaluate and declare your values will help you focus on what is important to you. This way you can create a life around them in your daily living.   https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-boost-your-self-confidence-4163098

  • MAKE A LIST OF IMPORTANT MILESTONES AND ACHIEVEMENTS

So, tell me about yourself?! No no one really like this questions on a job interview because it can be tricky. However, this question on your own time allows you to be honest with yourself. Certainly giving you the unique opportumity to have an “inner view.

Employers receive vital information from these type of question.  How much more beneficial this can be for you to take an inner-view of your capabilities and achievements.

You have have accomplishments and contributions.   By allowing yourself to appreciate your work,  you will start to notice what steps you took and the  grit you developed to succeed are evidence of your abilities.    Inherent in this process is learning the skill of steadying yourself and reflect.

  • PLAN YOUR NEED FULFILLMENT

Bringing focus to the areas of your life not only indicate where work or “repair” is needed.  Moreover it highlights your strengths and ways of overcoming obstacles.  Further, awakening desires, and hope for that which is meaningful to you.

With this knowledge and understanding, planning to meet your needs becomes clearer and practical. THE UNKNOWN&

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