Apparently, even Hollywood celebrities, actresses are insecure.”How did she get on the list?” She said as she went on to criticize the attire of other women at a function. “To come for other women” to make herself feel “bigger” is a personal experience Gabrielle Union told Jada Pinkett-Smith on the “Red Table Talk Series. Gabrielle Union opened up about her insecurities that handicapped her buy-in or ability to be able to celebrate and support another woman.
QUESTION: Do you feel like you are an insecure woman? You can really change this. The survey below is an invitation to begin your query and journey.
Remember the old nursery rhyme, “snugs and snails and puppy dog tails that’s what little boys are made of.” Now the parallel to that is, What are little girls made of–“sugar and spice and everything nice that’s what little girls are made of.”
I don’t know for you, but I really liked this nursery rhyme while growing up. It created a nice fuzzy feeling. While I thought it was cute, I also thought to myself, what did this really mean? However, I never asked an adult or my parents for that matter.
So, it’s obvious with this nursery rhyme that boys and girls are made up differently—not only by gender but also, socially, which impacts their interpersonal relationships. In other words, the ability to get along with others, particularly with other men, better, in various settings. Whereas the inverse is said to be true of woman interpersonal relations.
DADDY ISSUES OR BIOLOGY OR BOTH-Part 1
Maybe “daddy issues” but perhaps not in the way we are used to thinking about it. A little biology class reminder– biology definitely was not my favourite. If you remember the XY gene/chromosome situation, which dictates the sex of a boy, it is said that the X is from the mother and Y from the father, which makes the difference in the sex. And, of course, the girl gets (1) X from the mother and (2nd) X- “the paternal-X from the father. This “X” is different!
There is an authoritative research study out of England, published in the Eminent British Journal, “Nature” (1997; Volume 387, page 795, titled,”Evidence From Turner’s Syndrome, reports the Paternal-X which is from the father is associated with social skills. The research indicates that if the Paternal-X is imprinted or is expressed, meaning it is the primary operating gene, girls are said to fare better. Thus impacting their ability to work together with others–particularly women. How you might ask? Great question.
I think it’s important to consider the character of the X chromosome from the mother. According to the research, the Girls that have Turner Syndrome typically have only one intact X chromosome instead of two, from which this disorder is derived. Hence, the second chromosome does not exist.
This results in these girls having cognitive deficits such as visual-spatial deficits, (i.e. trouble with driving), social cues, non-verbal problem solving (i.e. problem with mathematical concepts. What was even more astonishing from the study is that the girls, roughly 80%, with the single intact X chromosome comes from the mother and the remaining cases come from the father. “Girls with the Paternal-X”, again if it’s the only intact gene, or if its the “expressed” gene in girls with both X’s, the outcomes are the following per the research article:
“The imprinting of paternal-X permits Activation and Expression of one or more genes involved in social skills. The X chromosome from the father is more socially inclined than that from the mother.”
DADDY ISSUES “FOR REAL” -PART II
Question: Are you skeptical about the chromosome study? I was skeptical, slightly, when reading this information on the chromosome study of the Paternal-X. Then the light went on in my head about the nurture side of things– when the dad or an “enduring” father figure or caregiver is absent from a girl’s life. I can relate to being one of those girls! According to Erik Erikson, a German-American developmental psychologist and psychoanalyst, the author of the theory of the stages of psychosocial development, girls between the ages of 3-6 years old embark upon the period when they compete with their mother for their father’s attention.
This stage is called the “Electra Complex.” To cut to the chase, this is the time when a girl learns intimate cues from her father. This involvement builds competence, self-esteem, and self-acceptance- essentially leading girls to accept gender roles and accept understand “their” own sexuality. It appears then, girls have been competing with other women from early on in life.
Since our identity is not only psychological but also cultural, embedded in the behavioural interactions is cultural conditioning. How this gets reconciled presents a unique opening for future experiences and the motivation for relationships. If not resolved in a wholesome matter, internalization of the behaviours of others takes place resulting in girls cultivating maladaptive behaviours. These girls become women— women bosses, women at church, and the like.
“KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE”
“Knowing is half the battle, is the ending commentary of the G.I. Joe cartoon. Yes, I grew up in the ’80s and I loved this cartoon! We do not have to continue to do the proverbial, leave your “head in the sand.” Here is what we know, according to Dosomething.org, 91% of women are unhappy with their body and resort to dieting to achieve an “ideal” body shape. It is reported by the aauw-nys.org , a research that was funded by the Dove Self-esteem Fund, the following:
62% of all girls feel insecure or not sure of themselves
57% of all girls have a mother who criticizes her own looks
Only 27% of girls ages 13-17 will turn to their father for help when feeling badly about themselves COMPARED TO the 54% of girls ages 8-12
“JUST DO IT”
Being insecure and lack of self-acceptance are the operating elements of women not being able to celebrate, themselves, thus being able to give this to other women is a challenge. However, a challenge that can be met regardless of the biology (pre-programming) and environmental interactions and transactions of our narratives.
As women, we are our worst critics, meaning our self-talk tends to be very harsh and judgemental. Changing requires the willingness to be open and curious and suspend judgment. In doing so, you will be able to heal past hurts and disband with the insecurities and lack of self-love. To start you on your journey see my article on https://nbhi-llc.org/your-past-is-not-healed-in-time-but-with-action-include-these-5-life-transforming-steps-to-reclaiming-your-life/.
“Perhaps everything terrible is,
in its deepest being, something that needs our love.”
-Rainer Maria Rilke
QUESTION: Where in your life could you meet yourself with more tenderness? To assist in you in becoming open and curious, I invite you to the Practice the following:
Be willing to practice looking at your past with curiosity and compassion (***uninvite judgment***)
Be willing to practice offering yourself forgiveness (without this you will remain bankrupt in yourself)
Be willing to practice offering forgiveness to others (when you are ready)
Be willing to practice being open and accountable for your actions ( If not you will continue the blame game and not heal)
Be willing to practice being patient (It’s your journey)
Be willing to practice your own language on yourself once you have this identified ( You cannot give what you do not have or understand)
Be willing to practice gratitude (Your “inner-being” will be replenished enabling you to celebrate others and give)
Be willing to practice developing your spirituality (Your “inner-being” will be replenished so the “outer-man” can live above the fray)
Be willing to seek appropriate support and help (Communities are built on stable interpersonal relationships)
Be willing to REPEAT this Practice!
Being able to celebrate and collaborate with other women is possible — even in losing. I remember the next day after Ms. World 2019, the internet was buzzing about Ms. Nigeria’s, Ms. Nyekachi Douglas’ strong, celebratory reaction to Ms. Jamaican winning the Ms. World Title. See Miss Nigeria’s reaction to Jamaica winning Miss World title – CNN Video
Every day we share the “stage” with women– find your place and make your mark!